Recently, I fantasize about seeing my wife with another man. Day by day my fantasy increases and now I want to see it in reality. When I tried to talk to my wife about my fantasy she branded me as a pervert and it really hurt me, but I couldn’t erase the thought of seeing her with another man from mind and it really drives me crazy. I need your help!

ANSWER

Fantasy generally is a normal and healthy part of a mature adult sexuality. Your fantasy is a common one and there certainly is nothing wrong with it per se, but unfortunately your partner does not share it. If you persist in dwelling on this fantasy, particularly if you insist on drawing your wife into it for real, you may alienate her in a way that could have consequences you do not want. My advice is to stop pestering her with your fantasy and it would probably be best to stop indulging yourself in it even privately, otherwise you are in danger of damaging your relationship in a way not easy to repair.

Both partners must look inside to determine if they are coming from a place that is clear, mature, healthy, with love and respect for yourself and each other. It is possible that some fantasizing is unhealthy, but it is also possible that strong emotional negative reactions to fantasy simply reveal unwanted conditioned responses or erroneous beliefs and assumptions that are no longer valid (if they ever were).

Here are our personal guidelines for sexual fantasizing. These are not intended to be rules for anyone else, just guidelines that have worked well for us.

  1. No one gets hurt.
  2. No means no.
  3. Stop means stop.
  4. Say yes to participating in your partner’s fantasies if possible.
  5. If you can’t participate in your partner’s fantasies, let them know if they have your blessing to continue to indulge in the fantasy privately in their imagination, but without mentioning it to you, or if you would prefer they stop having those fantasies completely. Understand that you cannot stop someone from doing something they really want to do, so you would simply be stating your preference, not making an absolute demand.
  6. If you find yourself having a strong negative emotional reaction to a fantasy your partner has shared with you, let them know what you are thinking and feeling, but try to avoid making harsh moral judgments about your partner. You can make a request that your partner stops imagining a particular fantasy, but you do not have authority to demand that they do so. And certainly you would be exceeding your authority if you tried to insist that a partner not use fantasy at all.
  7. If you have a strong emotional negative reaction to a fantasy your partner shares with you, first look inside yourself and see if there is opportunity here to expand your options by going beyond previous limits. Going beyond previous limits often means you must go outside your existing emotional comfort zone.
  8. Generally, don’t privately indulge in fantasies that are threatening to your partner, or threatening to your relationship. Doing so means that those fantasies are more important than the relationship, and if that is the case, understand that there are likely to be consequences for the relationship if you continue to indulge in those fantasies.

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